The Hokkaido Shimbun

You know things are getting extremely bad for Ireland when the Hokkaido Shimbun, or "De Paper", as it is known round these parts, starts running stories on just how awful our economy is. This morning I was told on page 8 that the country would soon have to be bailed out by the EU as fears grow that we are about to suffer the financial equivalent of base jumping sans parachute.

According to the hacks at 'De Paper', we will soon be going cloth cap in hand to the EU looking for close on 95 billion euro or resorting to putting the country up for sale on Yahoo auctions. The newspaper gamely attempted to translate that bail out figure into yen but ended up having to provide an advanced math tutorial just to convey the amount of zeros involved.

Reactions from people on the Hokkaido street canvassed by reporters from 'De Paper' showed equal dismay at how far, as a certain Aki 'Jumbo' Onigiri put it, "we'd fallen into the shite, like". For Mrs. Watanabe, it was the worst in a succession of cruel misfortunes to befall the country. "First that volcano, how you say, blew up in the country, and now this". When it was pointed her that was Iceland, she said "Good Buddha, not there too! And such a nice, whale-eating country as well".

When Mr. Teriyaki 'Call me Terry' Tsunamaiyo was asked about Ireland's misfortunes, he identified their problems as originating in the scrum, with their props not even being able to "push a fart out after an Indian curry". And, he added, "the lineout wasn't up to much either. Bunch of green clad faeries".