Half Marathon Drug Shocker!!

 Reuters: Last week's Date Half Marathon was rocked, I say rocked, by an unprecedented athlete doping scandal. Organizers had braced themselves for a potential terrorist attack but instead the bombshell exploded from within! A still unnamed Irish athlete is at the centre of a furious controversy having allegedly used performance enhancing drugs, specifically Yotsuba 100% full-fat milk. There are also unconfirmed reports that he 'indulged in a spot of dwarf tossing' prior to the start of the race.
In the days leading up to the race the 'athlete' in question had repeatedly played down his prospects, claiming amongst other things to be "too old for this shit", "only three days away from retirement", "suffering from food poisoning, insomnia, baldness, impotency, and a liking for early eighties Duran Duran". Yet, on Sunday he ran a new personal best of 1:41 for the race some ten, yes ten! freaking minutes faster than last year.
At a hastily convened post race press conference, the spectacularly hirsute athlete vehemently denied the allegations, terming those making claims "small minded" and "small bodied too". Asked to explain the traces of full-fat milk in his blood, he claimed to be 'lactating'.
His repeated denials only inflamed passions further with some of the hobbits, sorry, other competitors present angrily denouncing him for "cheating, and lying about it". They further denounced the lanky representative of the race of men for "taking our jobs, bedding our women, and throwing us into bushes".
Race organizers plan to behead him, sorry, question him further, but only if he lies down so they can look him in the eye.

"No, really, they all only come up to my chest"

The doper contends he was only "lactating" whilst beside him a clearly infuriated Coach Cian loses his temper with the media. Note subtle product placement.