Vorsprung durch technik

How could the Irishman in me resist this. From 'Bild', the German equivalent of the 'Sun'.

And we're back! Again!

Last weekend made a mockery of my usual moan about June weather here in Muroran. Usually we get incessant fog, a stiff, damp, chilly sea wind and persistent drizzle, with the temperature barely able to climb into double figures.

But not this year, God Bless global warming. Saturday and Sunday saw the mercury climb to 28 C. In parts of central Hokkaido near Sanae's hometown, it topped 37 C. Yes, 37. In Hokkaido. In June.

Two months ago we had snow falling. And now we have the birds dropping from the sky it's so hot.

Personally, matters aren't helped by this thick, lush rug of chest hair I have grown since I have been in Hokkaido. It is my body's way of evolving and adapting to the winter here. For 6 months of the year, no complaints, but come summer and particularly days like last weekend, and an all over wax job doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all. I mean if Tiernan can get one...

And we're back!

Apologies for the break in service. Young Cian succumbed to a high a prolonged fever all last week and I was busy being 'Doctor Daddy'. I think it was brought on by Japan's shock victory over Cameroon. He then became utterly delirious at the prospect of both France and England being knocked out in the first round.

Oh Lord, please yes.

It would go some way towards compensating for Ireland's utterly unjust absence from South Africa.

To tonight's games:

Slovakia v. Paraguay

Italy v. New Zealand

Brazil v. Cote D'Ivoire

God, what can you say, or rather what can I write. None of these games exactly sets the pulse racing. I may set the recorder for the Brazil game but the other two...

Predictions: Brazil to win, utter indifference shown towards the rest.

"Ahh shite"

....Honda, shooto, GOAL!!!!!!

As I type this I am eating vast quantities of mochizuki humble pie, as lovingly prepared for me by my soon to be soccer-hooligan wife.

Well, well, well. Who (not me) would have thought that Japan would win this and that Cameroon would so resemble the Marlay Park Celtic u-11's. Whilst it was great win for Japan, it was a shockingly bad game of football. But then again, if you have brown eyes and eat rice, you probably don't care.

Tonight's games

New Zealand v. Slovenia

Be still my racing heart. Hard to find something nice to say about the Kiwis after the drubbing their rugby team gave Ireland last weekend. Slovenia, is by all accounts a lovely country, they don't play rugby and are thus unlikely to beat us 66-28 (Sweet Mother of God). Thus,

Prediction: Slovenia 2-0

Portugal v. Cote D'Ivoire

Given the pedigree of some of the prima donnas gracing both these teams, we are likely to see Oscar worthy histrionics as players writhe in apparent death throes after every tackle.

Prediction: Ronaldo to win best supporting actor, Drogba to get the oscar for best cast in a supporting role.

Brazil v. North Korea

Apparently North Korea, inspired by the wise words and footballing nous of their Dear Leader, Kim 'The Special One' Il Jung, will bring down a "rain of fire" on the Brazilian defence, inflicting a defeat that will 'make the nations of this earth quake with fear' and would rather 'die a thousand deaths' than concede a goal to the 'decadent girly men' of South America. That and they'll start blowing shit up should Brzail take the lead.

Prediction: Expect a tense game, and if North Korea are a goal down at half time, a refusal to come out for the second half unless they are allowed to score a goal too and Kim Jung Il can do the corner-flag victory dance routine.

Kim Jung Il with the North Korean Squad

Day 4 - Alors Nippon!

Furiously typing this before the start of the Denmark Holland goal fest, so please forgive the occassional spelling error. But before we begin, couldn't resist this bit of mild mannered Americana ..

Wonderful.

To tonight's games.

Denamrk v. Holland

This will either be one of the matches of the tournament, full of inventive, free-flowing, end-to-end soccer, or could equally become the footballing equivalent of a polder. The Dutch though, should get through this on pedigree alone.

Prediction: 2-0 to the Low Country.

Japan v. Cameroon

The Guardian pretty much summed up today's game when they headlined their preview piece "Cameroon's Samuel Eto'o set to punish toothless Japan". Not that you would think it here in Japan. The country's absolute confidence in their national side's victory goes some way towards explaining the cultural self delusion that every so often descends on the place and makes bombing Pearl Harbour seem like a good idea.

In the one of the numerous and lengthy previews to tonight's match, they showed a number of Japanese supporters already sitting in the stadium a good four hours before the game actually kicks off. This, as I explained to Sanae, is an excellent example of the difference between Japan and Ireland. In an All-Ireland quarter final a couple of years back, the start of the match between Dublin and Tyrone had to be delayed by a half an hour because the Dublin fans were slow getting out of the pubs.

Prediction: Eto to do several of those by now requisite goal celebration jive dance numbers at the corner flag.

Italy v. Paraguay

This is being played in the dead of night, Japan time. By rights it should be played in the dead of night in South Africa too. Italy, God the most remorselessly, grindingly boring yet frustratingly successful teams of the modern era. How can a country that gives the world Ferrari, Lamborghini, Armani, the Mafia and Silvio Berlusconi, give us, consistently give us, the footballing equivalent of a Morrissey album.

Prediction: Zzzzzzzzzzzz.....

第３日

Remind me to buy the English goalkeeper a pint next time I meet him. A glorious display of ineptness that made up for an otherwise shite match.

To today's games.

Algeria v. Slovenia

The glamour tie of the first round. No predictions here, just a request to sit back and enjoy the beautiful game as it should be played.

Serbia v. Ghana

Serbia, Slovenia and Slovakia. Obviously this is the year when European countries beginning with 'S' get to play in the World Cup. Makes me think we should have called Ireland 'Sireland'. Or the 'Shaggin feckers' or something equally apt. Anyway a country responsible for one of the most vicious wars since 1945 versus a Japanese chocolate company.

Prediction: No contest - Serbia to win this, Hague Tribunal be damned.

Australia v. Germany

Australia remind me a bit of Ireland under Jack Charlton. A smattering of talent, some big men up front, and lots of dogged, hard graft. Plus they like to like to hoof it up the middle every chance they get. Anything else is, particularly if it involves passing the ball three or more consecutive times, is for effeminate, make-up wearing Latinos. Germany are, well Germany, imbued with a Teutonic sense of expectation - that just as the earth remorselessly turns, so they will be in the last 4 come the beginning of July. And they probably will be.

Prediction: Germany to win this 3-0.

Day 2

Ke Nako indeed. Cracking first game, particularly the second half, and what a goal to start the tournament. Less said about Les Cheating Bastards, the better, but the sooner they introduce Sharia Law the better. Deliberate hand ball ? Off with the offending hand. Offside? Death by stoning. Score the winning goal? Your pick of veiled vestal virgins in Paradise (or the nearest Holiday Inn).

Anyway, to the previews of tonights' games.

Greece v. Korea

Should Greece be even here, given the state of the nation. I mean, how did they afford the air fares, the team kit, the water bottles, etc. Apparently they had $2000 stolen from their team hotel the other day which raises the question where they got $2000 in the first place. Match fixing? I don't want to be blighting a tournament that is only a day old, but you've got to wonder. Probably more morally acceptable than going to the IMF, petasus in hand.

Korea, well they eat dogs don't they. Says it all really.

Prediction: Korea to win this, Greece to auction off their jerseys at the end of the match.

The Korean team's half time snack.

Nigeria v. Argentine

Apparently the word out of the Argentinian camp is that auld Diego has been partaking of the cocoa crop once again and may not be together enough to even name himself, let alone the national side's starting eleven. Actually, that's not true, I just made it up, but you will have to admit it sounds plausible. Nigeria, what can I say? Not a damn thing as it turns out, as I know feck all about the current team, but I do remember watching a thrilling 3-2 victory over Spain in the 1998 World Cup with Colin Farrell in a pub in Bantry. And based on that fond albeit hazy memory I predict Nigeria to pull off another shock upset and beat the Argies, 2-1.

England v. USA

Admittedly not two my favourite countries but only under one of them did Ireland suffer 800 years of cruel oppression so I will go for Uncle Sam on this one. And I honestly think 'Team America' could be one of the dark horses of the tournament.

So prediction: Second big upset of the night. USA to win this by a single touchdown! Yeah! Whoo! High Five Everyone!

Ke Nako!

Finally, it is here, the greatest tournament on earth after the North Kerry Senior Hurling Championship. The 2010 World Cup, ahem, kicks off this evening, and in an exclusive for you, lucky blog readers (hello Ciara), I will be previewing each and every game over the next four weeks.
Yeah, that's how much y'all mean to me (especially Ciara, who not reads my blogs but also comments on them too. Literacy runs strong in our family).
As my dear, beloved, if bankrupt, Ireland will not be participating, I will be able to provide a stringently objective view of the proceedings, influenced by neither fear not favour (though the later can be bought). Plus, with my vast experience of the beautiful game (two consecutive seasons with Marley Park Celtic U-11's), I will be able to comment authoritively on all the action both on and off the pitch, combining the dispassionate analysis of Johnny Giles, and the the erudition of Eamonn Dunphy (albeit without the cocaine habit).
So, to the strains of Paul Simon's 'Graceland', I will begin today's preview.

South Africa v. Mexico
Tough one to call. Both come with formidable support - the home team being heavily backed by Johannesburg's very own 'Hard Living' Gang while the Mexicans can call on the formidable might of the Juárez Cartel (as featured in the movie 'Traffic'). If things are still tight with 15 minutes to go, expect small arms fire between the dugouts and kidnappings from the subs bench.
Result: Depends on how hostage negotiations go. Mexicans probably to shade it on the strength of their better strikers, snipers, and snatch squads.

The Mexico starting eleven for tonight's match.


France v. Uruguay
I know I said in the above preamble that I would be 'stringently objective', but there's a reason Ireland aren't in the World Cup this year and they are playing in the other game tonight. So F**k France, F**k 'em. I am predicting that the 'Les Bleus' (French for 'Cheating Bastards') will be annihilated in the soccer equivalent of armageddon. Unfortunately, they are playing Uruguay, so I might have to wait a while.
Result: Uruguay to win 7-0 and the process cause Thierry Henry to be stretchered off with one of those injuries they refuse to replay on TV for fear of upsetting people. Go the La Celestes!

Tenjin-cho 36-28

June has blessed with us with good weather for the past week - some of the more optimistic amongst us are even recklessly bandying the term 'summer' about. They should know better. Fog lurks just off the coast. Most mornings we awake to a Muroran pea-souper. Once the westerlies we have had blowing for the past few days shift around and we get the onshore breeze / air-conditioner effect, 'Jaysus, that feckin wind would feckin skin ya' will quickly replace 'summer'.

Anyway, this is a long preamble to introduce some photos of the new house, and no don't worry, it's not about to slide down the hill. That's just my rather haphazard approach to framing.

Gooalllll!!!! (Again)

They were at again last night. Final friendly before flying to South Africa (though, after their recent run of results - 4 friendlies, 4 defeats - , one really has to wonder why their even bothering). And they lose 2-0 to that powerhouse of the modern game, Cote D'Ivoire. And yes, they scored one of those two goals. Nor were they content to leave it at that. Step forward Marcus Tulio Tanaka, who not only got his name on the opposition's scoresheet for the second consecutive game (and get this, he's supposedly a defender. No, seriously, a defender. Go figure.), but also managed to break Didier Drogba's arm.

You couldn't make this stuff up. And as I said in my previous post, this is a team their Coach has solemnly vowed will reach the last four of the tournament.

Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last Sunday, Graf, Austria. The Japanese dressing room just before the kick-off of their friendly with England. Coach Takeshi Okada is giving the team their pre-match pep talk.

"My fellow rice-eating countrymen, today we play our infernal enemy the English. Yes, the English, the very same effeminate butter-eaters we fought in the jungles of Burma, the streets of Singapore and on the Bridge over the River Kwai. The honour of the Japanese nation rests upon your young soldiers, my samurai friends. For the nation, that land of the rising sun we call home, we shall do more than just play a soccer game today. We will announce to the world that the sleeping giant of the beautiful game has awoken, and the world will hear our mighty loar, eh, roal, sorry, loal, goddamn 'l's and 'r's, our mighty shout. When this game is over your names will be uttered in the same breath as those other giants of our country, Mr. Toyota, Mr. Sony and Godzilla.

For it will a be a game, nay, a battle of honor, steeped in the tradition of the samurai clans of old. We will lose, yes, I am sorry to say, we will. But valiantly. And with great honor.

For I have determined that we will lose by 2 goals to 1. No, no, my young Bushido's, do not shed any tears, no matter how honorable. For defeat is merely a lesson in learning how to win.

And it will be our defeat, our own honorable defeat, for we shall score all the goals..."

Not too sure how they managed it, but in their last warm-up game to England before heading to the World Cup, the Japanese managed the footballing equivalent of hari-kiri. They did indeed lose 2-1 to England, and yes, its true, managed to score all the goals in the game too.

Personally, I think their just messing with the minds of their group opposition, I mean how do you prepare to play a team that seems intent on banging the ball in to the nearest available net, regardless of which side's it is?

Matters haven't been helped by Coach Okada's rather rash promise that Japan will make the last 4 of the competition. It would be the equivalent of Kevin Ryan, the Carlow Hurling manager, telling the media that he has already penciled in an appearance at Croke Park for the first Sunday in September.

June 14th, Japan versus Cameroon - should be a (honorable) cracker.